Quick Thinking

Resolving to surprise her husband, an executive's wife stopped by his office. When she opened the door, she found him with his secretary sitting in his lap. Without hesitating, he dictated, "...and in conclusion, gentlemen, budget cuts or no budget cuts, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair."

Typical Manager

The manager of a large corporation got a heart attack, and the doctor told him to go for several weeks to a farm to relax. The guy went to a farm, and after a couple of days he was very bored, so he asked the farmer to give him some job to do. The farmer told him to clean the shit of the cows. The farmer thought that to somebody coming from the city, working the whole life sitting in an office, it will take over a week to finish the job, but for his surprise the manager finished the job in less than one day. The next day the farmer gave to the manager a more difficult job: to cut the heads of 500 chickens. The farmer was sure that the manager will not be able to do the job, but at the end of the day the job was done. The next morning, as most of the jobs in the farm were done, the farmer asked the manager to divide a bag of potatoes in two boxes: one box with small potatoes, and one box with big potatoes. At the end of the day the farmer saw that the manager was sitting in front of the potatoes bag, but the two boxes were empty. The farmer asked the manager: "How is that you made such difficult jobs during the first days, and now you cannot do this simple job?" The manager answered: "Listen, all my life I'm cutting heads and dealing with shit, but now you ask me to make decisions."

The Tough CEO

A company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hires a new CEO. This new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. The room is full of workers and he wants to let them know he means business! The CEO walks up to the guy and asks, "And how much money do you make a week?" A little surprised, the young fellow looks at him and replies, "I make $300.00 a week. Why?" The CEO then hands the guy $1,200 in cash and screams, "Here's four weeks' pay, now GET OUT and don't come back!" Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around the room and asks, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-off did here?" With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."

A company is like a tree ..

A company is like a tree full of monkeys, all on different limbs, at different levels, some climbing up, some climbing down. The monkeys on the top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces. The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but assholes.

Bullshit

Chatting with a bull, a turkey sighed and said, "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree, but I haven't got the energy." "Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, the turkey reached the second branch. Finally, after a week, there he was, proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon, though, the turkey was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey from the tree. Moral of the story: might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there!

Share Market

We have been informed that you hold shares in the following companies: American Can Co. Interstate Water Co. National Gas Co. Northern Tissue Co. Due to the uncertain market conditions, at this present time, we advise you to sit tight on your American Can, hold your Water, and let go of your Gas. You may be interested to know that Northern Tissue touched a new bottom today, and millions were wiped clean. Yours truly, P. Moore & Phil Moore Potts

Who Runs The Human Body?

All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was in charge. The brain said: "I should be in charge, because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen." "I should be in charge," said the heart, "because I pump the blood and circulate oxygen all over the body, so without me you'd all waste away." "I should be in charge," said the stomach, "because I process food and give all of you energy." "I should be in charge," said the rectum, "because I'm responsible for waste removal." All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight. Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, and the blood was toxic. Eventually the other organs gave in. They all agreed that the rectum should be the boss. The moral of the story? You don't have to be smart or important to be in charge... just be an asshole.

Recruiting

An office manager was sent three secretaries, equally qualified, to fill one vacancy. "Well," thought the manager, "I'll give them an honesty test to determine which secretary to keep." To this end, he gave each secretary a money bag to take and bank telling them that there was $50 in the bag. (In fact, he had placed $100 in each bag; thus the honesty test.) The first secretary goes to the bank, discovers the extra money, banks $50 and returns the extra $50 to the manager. The second secretary goes to the bank, discovers the extra money, banks the full $100, and returns with a deposit slip as proof. The third secretary goes to the bank, discovers the extra money, banks $50, goes to the local TAB and uses the $50 to win $300, then returns, explains to the manager and gives him the all the money. Question: Which secretary does the manager select to retain? Answer: The one with the biggest tits!

Marketting Lessons

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, "I am very rich. Marry me!" That's Direct Marketing. You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says, "He's very rich. Marry him." That's Advertising. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm very rich. Marry me." That's Telemarketing. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, "I'm rich. Marry me" She gives you a nice hard slap on your face. That's Customer Feedback.

Good Salesman

Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance. It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened before. Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones's sales pitch. Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said, "If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don't have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government only has to pay a maximum of $6000." "Now," he concluded, "which bunch do you think they are going to send into battle first?"

Coca Cola Classics

The salesman explained, "When I got posted in the Middle East, I was very confident that I will makes a good sales pitch as Cola is virtually unknown there. But, I had a problem I didn't know to speak Arabic. So, I planned to convey the message through 3 posters... First poster, a man crawling through the hot desert sand... totally exhausted and fanting. Second, the man is drinking our Cola and Third, our man is now totally refreshed. Then these posters were pasted all over the place" "That should have worked," said the friend. The salesman replied, "Well, not only did I not speak Arabic, I also didn't realize that Arabs read from right to left..."

Engineer

Once an electronics engineer wife was pregnant and delivered a baby, but due to work the husband was in a camp. The doctors phoned him to give the news, when the doctor called the Engineer and said he had a baby, the engineer asked whether it was a transmitter or a receiver!

Mechanical and Civil Engineers

What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers? Mechanical Engineers build weapons and civil engineers build targets.

Salary Theorem

"Salary Theorem" states that "Engineers and Scientists can never earn as much as Business Executives and Sales People." This theorem can now be supported by a mathematical equation based on the following two postulates: 1. Knowledge is Power. 2. Time is Money. As every engineer knows: Power = Work / Time Since: Knowledge = Power Time = Money It follows that: Knowledge = Work/Money. Solving for Money, we get: Money = Work / Knowledge. Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, Money approaches infinity, regardless of the amount of work done. Conclusion: The less you know, the more you make.

Fax Machine Problem

Manager: “Do you know anything about this fax-machine?” Staff: “A little. What’s wrong sir?” Manager: “Well, I sent a fax, and the recipient called back to say all she received was a blank page. I tried it again, and the same thing happened.” Staff: “How did you load the sheet?” Manager: “I didn’t want anyone else to read it by accident, so I folded it so only the recipient would open it and read it.”

Salary Increment

One employee told his boss, “Sir, Increase my salary, I got married recently.” The boss replied, “The Company cannot compensate for the accidents happened outside of the company.”

Complete and Finish

A man went to face an interviewer. Board of Directors asked him, “Tell the difference between “COMPLETE” and “FINISH”. The man replied, I am clarifying with the example, “When u marry a right person you are “Complete” and when you marry the wrong one you are “Finish”.

Job Application

This is an actual job application a 17 year old boy submitted at a Mcdonald’s fast-food establishment in Florida… And they hired him because he was so honest and funny! Name: John Flower Sex: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person. Desired position: Company’s president or vice president. But seriously, whatever available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn’t be applying here in the first place. Desired salary: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a michael ovitz style severance package. If that’s not possible, make an offer and we can haggle. Education: yes. Last position held: Target for middle management hostility. Salary: Less than I’m worth.

Secret of Success

A very successful partner in a big firm had a peculiar habit. He would go to his desk everyday, open a locked drawer, look inside, lock the drawer again, and start his work. This continued for many days. His subordinates knew that he hid the secret of his success in the drawer, they waited for the opportunity. Then, one day when the partner had gone out of the city, the juniors decided to make a break. They broke into the drawer, breathlessly, and looked inside. There was one small piece of paper inside - it said - “Left is debit and right is credit.”

Government Employee

A government employee found an old brass lamp in a filing cabinet. When he dusted it off, a genie appeared and granted him three wishes. “I’d love an ice-cold beer right now,” he told the genie. Poof! A beer appeared. Next, the man said, “I wish to be on an island, surrounded by beautiful and willing women.” Poof! He was on an island with gorgeous women fawning all over him. “Oh, man this is the life,” the guy thought. “I wish I never had to work again.” And poof! He was back at his desk in the government office!