Drinking Twice

An American, a Brit and an Iraqi are in a bar one night having a beer. The Yankee, drinks his beer and suddenly throws his glass in the air, pulls out a gun and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, "In the States our glasses are so cheap that we don't need to drink from the same one twice." The Brit, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, "In Britain we have so much sand to make the glasses that we don't need to drink out of the same glass twice either." The Iraqi, cool as a cucumber, picks up his beer and drinks it, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the American and the Brit. He says "In Baghdad we have so many Americans and Brits that we don't need to drink with the same ones twice".

I am Drunked

A police officer pulls over this guy who's been weaving in and out of the lanes. He goes up to the guy's window and says, "Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube." The man says, "Sorry, officer, I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that, I'll have a really bad asthma attack." "Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample." "I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I'll bleed to death." "Well, then, we need a urine sample." "I'm sorry, officer, I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that, I'll get really low blood sugar." "All right, then I need you to come out here and walk this white line." "I can't do that, officer." "Why not?" "Because I'm drunk."

Drunks

These two drunks stumble out of a pub in Ireland at about 4:00 in the morning. They stagger to the nearest lamppost and lean against it when along comes a policeman. The first drunk pipes up, "Excuse me, ossifer, but I wonder could you tell me if the last bus to Dublin has left yet." To which the policeman replies "Of course it has. It's 4:00 in the morning." The second drunk then weighs in and says, "Sorry, sir, but I wonder if the last bus to Galway has left yet." The officer again replies "Of course it has. It's 4:00 in the morning." The first drunk then starts up again and asks, "Could you tell me please, ossifer, has the last bus to Cork gone yet." The policeman is really irritated now so he shouts, "It's 4am, all the ****ing buses have gone!" And with that the first drunk turns to his friend and says, "Ok, Mick, we can cross the road now."

Drunk in the confession booth

A drunken man staggers in to a Catholic church and wanders over to the confessional box. He opens the door, sits down and says nothing. The bewildered priest waits for a few minutes, allowing the drunken man some time to collect his thoughts. Growing impatient, the priest coughs to attract his attention, but still the man says nothing. The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak. Finally, the drunk replies: "No use knockin' mate, there's no paper in this one either."

A Dangerous Looking Trick!

A guy walks into a bar carrying an 18" alligator. The bartender says, "What do think you're doing? Get that goddamn thing out of here. I don't allow pets in my establishment". The guy tries to explain. "Look he won't cause any trouble. He's well trained and I'll prove it". He then proceeds to put the alligator on the bar and says, "open". The alligator open its mouth and you can see all of its razor sharp teeth. "Now watch this", he says and proceeds to remove his penis through his zipper and lays his balls gently onto the alligator's teeth. He then orders a beer and proceeds to drink it. All the while the alligator keeps its mouth open and nothing happens. After finishing the beer the man gently removes his penis and puts it back into his pants. He then says, "close" and the alligator closes its mouth. "You see he is perfectly trained. He would do that for anybody. Does anyone want to try?" After looking around he finally here a drunk whose sitting at table say "Sure I'd like to try. But I don't know if I can keep my mouth open that long."

Laughing horse

A man walks into a bar. On the bar sits a big jar of twenty dollar bills. The man asks the bartender,"What's the deal with the jar of money?" "Well", the bartender says,"I've got a horse tied up in the stable out back. This horse has never laughed in his life. You put a twenty in the jar, then if you can make my horse laugh, You win all the money!" The man puts his twenty in the jar, and goes out to the stable. He comes back just a few minutes later, and you can hear the horse laughing all the way inside. The man takes his money and leaves. About a year later, he goes back to the bar, and they've got another jar of twenties there. "What's the deal now?" He asks. "Well",the bartender says,"That damn horse won't stop laughing! So the first person who can make my horse stop laughing wins the money!" The man pays his twenty, and goes out to the stable. He returns a few minutes later, and the horse is bawling his eyes out. He picks up his money and is about to leave when the bartender stops him. "Alright", he says,"You have won an awful lot of money from me and I want to know how you did it!!" "Easy", he says,"I made him laugh by saying mine was bigger than his, and I made him cry by proving it!!"

Are you my son?

An old man was sitting at the bar, when a young man came in with a mowhawk haircut dyed different colors. He sat down next to the old man and noticed that the old man was staring at him. Finally the young man asks the man "What the hell are you staring at! Didn't you ever do anything crazy when you were a kid?" The old man pondered for a moment and replied "Yeah, I screwed a peacock and I was wondering if you were my son."

At Pub

A man had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally said that the bar was closing. So the man stood up to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time; same result. He figured he'd crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside he stood up and fell flat on his face. So he decided to crawl the 4 blocks to his home. When he arrived at the door he stood up and again fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door and into his bedroom. When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up. This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into bed and was sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow. He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting, "So, you've been out drinking again!!" "What makes you say that?" he asked, putting on an innocent look. "The pub called -- you left your wheelchair there again."

Dribble Martuni

A lady stumbles into a bar. She says, "Beertender, give me a dribble martuni, and put a pickle in it." He gives it to her, and she drinks it down. She says, "Beertender, give me another dribble martuni, and put a pickle in it." He gives it to her, and she drinks it down. She says, "Beertender, give me another dribble martuni, and you better put two pickles in it, because...because I've got heartburn." The bartender says, "Look, lady...it's not beertender, it's bartender. It's not a martuni, it's a martini. It's not a dribble, it's a double. That's not a pickle, it's an onion. And you haven't got heartburn, "You have your left breast in the Ashtray!"

Shy Guy

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?" She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table. After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations." To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean, $200?"

A Confident Man

A rather confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, 'Is your date running late?' 'No', he replies, 'I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it.' The intrigued woman says, 'A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?' 'It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me, ' he explains. 'What's it telling you now?' 'Well, it says you're not wearing any panties...' The woman giggles and replies, 'Well it must be broken then because I am wearing panties!' The man explains, 'Damn thing must be an hour fast.'

Number System in Bar

Phil had just joined a club after his friend had recommended it (being a member for quite some time). They were sitting at the bar having their beers when someone yelled "21" and there was a small uproar of laughter. A few minutes later someone else yelled "34" and another roar of laughter rose up. Phil, confused about this asked his friend "Why is everyone laughing at the numbers being called out" His friend said, well we've been telling the same jokes for so many years that we just numbered them all and if you want to tell a joke you just call out a number". Phil nodded and said "Can I try?" His friend nodded and Phil called out "121" and everyone in the club roared with laughter and it didn't die down for at least another 15 minutes after. "Why did everyone laugh so hard at that joke?" Phil asked. His friend said with a small chuckle "We haven't heard that one before."

Screaming in the Toilet

A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard coming from the bathroom. A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar. The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming. "What's all the screaming about in there? You're scaring the customers!" "I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my balls." With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says...... "You idiot!" "You're sitting on the mop bucket!!!!

Late Drinking

Two married friends are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out late drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!" His friend looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed. Rub my hands on my wife's butt and say, 'How about a blow job?' ....and She's ALWAYS Sound Asleep!"

Galat Sangati

Wife: Raat ko aap peeke gutter mein gir gaye the. Husband: Kya bataoon, sab galat sangati ka asar hai, hum 4 dost… 1 bottle, aur woh teeno kambhakt peeten nahin.

Two vampires...

Two vampires, Kill Wish and Drill Wish, went to Dracula Bar.
Kill Wish ordered: "I'll have a glass of blood."
Drill Wish ordered: "I'll have a glass of plasma."
Bartender: "Okay," "that'll be ... one blood and one blood lite..."